She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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