dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42ā€¯ tv lol
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