i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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