My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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