I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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