I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize