Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
