dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
