Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We talked him into tasing himself.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
