My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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