so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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