Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
