Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is wine microwaveable?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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