if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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