I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
