i wish starbucks made bloody marys
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
