awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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