It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
