you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
