My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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