No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
