i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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