Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
