Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
