You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
