just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
