K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
