I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
