she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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