So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
