I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
