apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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