Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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