i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
