I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
