just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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