And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
