Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
