On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize