Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
