how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
