the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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