Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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