I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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