Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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