If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
