Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
