Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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