bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
