Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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