you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
send nudes
from the living room?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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