Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
